John Corn
12-22-02, 06:55 PM
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, Texas and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1) There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2) Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He chews, so please have a spit can handy.
3) Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared flyin' huntin' dogs. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and now Blitzen's head is mounted over Bubba's fireplace.
4) You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen.." when Bubba arrives you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty.."
5) "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by, "Yee Haw!" You are also likely to hear his elves respond, "I her'd dat."
6) As required by Southern highway laws, his sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety Triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off."
7) The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will be replaced by "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and theBandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And finally,
8) Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt, so if I were you, I'd make sure the wife and kids' turn the other way when he puts presents under the tree.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus
Member of North American
Fairies and Elves, Union 1225
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1) There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2) Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He chews, so please have a spit can handy.
3) Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared flyin' huntin' dogs. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and now Blitzen's head is mounted over Bubba's fireplace.
4) You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen.." when Bubba arrives you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty.."
5) "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by, "Yee Haw!" You are also likely to hear his elves respond, "I her'd dat."
6) As required by Southern highway laws, his sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety Triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off."
7) The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will be replaced by "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and theBandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And finally,
8) Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt, so if I were you, I'd make sure the wife and kids' turn the other way when he puts presents under the tree.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus
Member of North American
Fairies and Elves, Union 1225