Unthinkable
02-15-03, 01:41 PM
Dear Abby - No, scratch that...
Dear Director of Homeland Security:
Yesterday I did my patriotic duty and went out and bought 2 gas masks (one each for my wife and myself)and 13 rolls of duct tape. The gas masks seem to be fairly straight forward in their application. We just wear them around our necks all the time and have them right there if we need them. However, the thought of using duct tape has raised some concerns and questions:
1. We have 26 windows and doors. Approximately how many minutes (or hours) should we allow for the taping? Should we have a trial run?
2. Will the government send out emergency broadcasts to tell us when to start taping? - Or should we tape everything ahead of time, and leave just one doorway untaped?
3. If we do succeed in taping in time, how many minutes or hours will it be before we suffocate to death because of the lack of oxygen?
4. In case an alarm is sounded at night, should the wife and I take different shifts - one of us keeping awake to be ready to tape at any time?
5. If the duct tape won't stick, must we sand down all the edges on the windows and doors? What grade sandpaper should we use?
6. If we need training, will the government be funding classes in duct taping? Will the cost of the classes (and tape) be tax deDUCTible?
My wife says I am getting too serious about all this, so she suggests that we smile a little and put some levity into the situation by repeating the following - over and over, until we get it right...
"How much tape can a duck tape, if a duck could tape duct tape? Well, he would tape as much tape as a duck taping duct tape would, if a duck taping
duct tape could."
OK? Do let us know if al-Qaida plans on keeping us on alert for the next year. Five years? Ten, twenty or a hundred? Won't that require a lot of duct tape? - And after how many false alarms will the cry of "duct tape" begin to sound like "wolf"?
Sky-is-falling Cooper, Box 50932, Phoenix, AZ 85076
Dear Director of Homeland Security:
Yesterday I did my patriotic duty and went out and bought 2 gas masks (one each for my wife and myself)and 13 rolls of duct tape. The gas masks seem to be fairly straight forward in their application. We just wear them around our necks all the time and have them right there if we need them. However, the thought of using duct tape has raised some concerns and questions:
1. We have 26 windows and doors. Approximately how many minutes (or hours) should we allow for the taping? Should we have a trial run?
2. Will the government send out emergency broadcasts to tell us when to start taping? - Or should we tape everything ahead of time, and leave just one doorway untaped?
3. If we do succeed in taping in time, how many minutes or hours will it be before we suffocate to death because of the lack of oxygen?
4. In case an alarm is sounded at night, should the wife and I take different shifts - one of us keeping awake to be ready to tape at any time?
5. If the duct tape won't stick, must we sand down all the edges on the windows and doors? What grade sandpaper should we use?
6. If we need training, will the government be funding classes in duct taping? Will the cost of the classes (and tape) be tax deDUCTible?
My wife says I am getting too serious about all this, so she suggests that we smile a little and put some levity into the situation by repeating the following - over and over, until we get it right...
"How much tape can a duck tape, if a duck could tape duct tape? Well, he would tape as much tape as a duck taping duct tape would, if a duck taping
duct tape could."
OK? Do let us know if al-Qaida plans on keeping us on alert for the next year. Five years? Ten, twenty or a hundred? Won't that require a lot of duct tape? - And after how many false alarms will the cry of "duct tape" begin to sound like "wolf"?
Sky-is-falling Cooper, Box 50932, Phoenix, AZ 85076