blingbling
02-20-03, 10:38 AM
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"
answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and
went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
_________________________________________________
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to
spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink
of water?"
________________________________________________
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
into
mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into
Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in
and out
and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
'For
Heaven's sake,Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
_________________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off
the light
when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't
dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little
voice:
"The big sissy."
_________________________________________________
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to
come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty
dress and,as
she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very
pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's
clip-on
microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
________________________________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child,
my three
year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get
into the shower.
She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby
growing in
her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your
butt?"
_________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six,
that
son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you
doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math
homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?"
the mother
asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next
day, "What
are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning
addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say
two plus
two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped
laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE
SUM OF WHICH, is four."
_________________________________________________
One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the
story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so
Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky
is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that farmer
said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he
said:
Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
minutes
cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"
answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and
went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
_________________________________________________
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to
spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink
of water?"
________________________________________________
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
into
mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into
Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in
and out
and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
'For
Heaven's sake,Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
_________________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off
the light
when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't
dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little
voice:
"The big sissy."
_________________________________________________
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to
come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty
dress and,as
she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very
pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's
clip-on
microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
________________________________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child,
my three
year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get
into the shower.
She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby
growing in
her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your
butt?"
_________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six,
that
son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you
doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math
homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?"
the mother
asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next
day, "What
are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning
addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say
two plus
two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped
laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE
SUM OF WHICH, is four."
_________________________________________________
One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the
story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so
Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky
is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that farmer
said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he
said:
Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
minutes