HiPocket
08-04-03, 12:05 PM
Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin
Avoid a Good Southern Ass Whuppin... Issued by the
Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners,
Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and
Southwestern Urbanites and Canukians.
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at
Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve
breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther,
Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or
we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down
here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a
flying rat's patootie whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke.
Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also
better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer
to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your
ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith
of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI
WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes,
have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al
Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you
think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let
someone move to our state in order to run for the
Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick
his/her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg
instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be
paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving,
we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so
shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the
hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone
will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your
biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put
sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a
riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at
home because we know better. Many of us have visited
Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and
we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on
home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk
this way because we don't want to sound like you. We
don't care if you don't understand what we are saying.
All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us
alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and
polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire
recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll
kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir
and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our
seats to old folks because such things are expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some
manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most
of us live in the countryside? That's because we
have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime
infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or
Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick
your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here
and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your
ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we
let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue,
and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.
Avoid a Good Southern Ass Whuppin... Issued by the
Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners,
Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and
Southwestern Urbanites and Canukians.
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at
Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve
breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther,
Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or
we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down
here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a
flying rat's patootie whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke.
Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also
better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer
to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your
ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith
of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI
WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes,
have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al
Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you
think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let
someone move to our state in order to run for the
Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick
his/her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg
instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be
paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving,
we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so
shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the
hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone
will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your
biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put
sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a
riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at
home because we know better. Many of us have visited
Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and
we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on
home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk
this way because we don't want to sound like you. We
don't care if you don't understand what we are saying.
All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us
alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and
polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire
recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll
kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir
and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our
seats to old folks because such things are expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some
manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most
of us live in the countryside? That's because we
have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime
infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or
Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick
your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here
and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your
ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we
let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue,
and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.