Nick
08-14-03, 06:32 AM
1. Andy Rooney on Monica.
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. Time flies. It seems like only
yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.
2. Andy Rooney on vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".
3. Andy Rooney on prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on
the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I
think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in
the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
4. Andy Rooney on fabric softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under
their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how
our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard
to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in
the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the
women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
6. Andy Rooney on phone-in-polls.
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It
costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure
about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $4.95 a minute
to say, "I'm not in the mood."
7. Andy Rooney on cripes
My wife's from the midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be;
Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not
making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
8. Andy Rooney on Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
dollar she gave you for your birthday.
9. Andy Rooney on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.
I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."...BEEEP
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your
test results are back. You need to stop sharing the love."
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. Time flies. It seems like only
yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.
2. Andy Rooney on vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".
3. Andy Rooney on prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on
the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I
think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in
the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
4. Andy Rooney on fabric softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under
their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how
our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard
to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in
the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the
women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
6. Andy Rooney on phone-in-polls.
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It
costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure
about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $4.95 a minute
to say, "I'm not in the mood."
7. Andy Rooney on cripes
My wife's from the midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be;
Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not
making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
8. Andy Rooney on Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
dollar she gave you for your birthday.
9. Andy Rooney on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.
I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."...BEEEP
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your
test results are back. You need to stop sharing the love."