Stosh
04-14-04, 10:38 AM
Here's another sexist joke to offend MarkA :) :
The Five Questions Most Feared By Men:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than I am?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
* Baseball
* Football
* How fat you are
* How much prettier she is
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear!" Inappropriate responses include:
* Oh, yes! Boatloads!
* Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
* That depends on what you mean by "love".
* Does it matter?
* Who, me?
Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers"
* Compared to what?
* I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
* A little extra weight looks good on you.
* I've seen fatter.
Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than I am?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
* Yes, but you have a better personality.
* Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
* Not as pretty as you were when you were her age.
* Define "pretty".
Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The correct answer, of course, is: "Buy a Corvette and a boat!") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not, don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: OK, I'd get married again.
Woman (with a hurt look): You would?
Man: (inaudible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem to be the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She couldn't use them; she's left-handed!
The Five Questions Most Feared By Men:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than I am?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
* Baseball
* Football
* How fat you are
* How much prettier she is
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear!" Inappropriate responses include:
* Oh, yes! Boatloads!
* Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
* That depends on what you mean by "love".
* Does it matter?
* Who, me?
Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers"
* Compared to what?
* I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
* A little extra weight looks good on you.
* I've seen fatter.
Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than I am?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
* Yes, but you have a better personality.
* Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
* Not as pretty as you were when you were her age.
* Define "pretty".
Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The correct answer, of course, is: "Buy a Corvette and a boat!") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not, don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: OK, I'd get married again.
Woman (with a hurt look): You would?
Man: (inaudible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem to be the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She couldn't use them; she's left-handed!