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If Mama Ain't Happy . . . So What???

Discussion in 'The OT' started by JM Anthony, Feb 27, 2005.

If mama ain't happy, so what??

  1. If mama ain't happy, then nobody's gonna be happy.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. My needs are pretty well met, I can give more than I get

    5 vote(s)
    27.8%
  3. One for all and all for one

    6 vote(s)
    33.3%
  4. I work my butt off and I deserve a little extra

    6 vote(s)
    33.3%
  5. Hope the door don't hit her on the a** on her way out

    1 vote(s)
    5.6%
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  1. JM Anthony

    JM Anthony Child of the 60's DBSTalk Gold Club

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    There's at least one current thread that talks about the importance of keeping your (fill in the blank - wife, partner, significant other, cat) happy. Is someone else's happiness that important if it comes at your expense? Your self respect? Giving up on things you want just so the other half can have more?? What if they already have more?? Just where do you draw the line???

    If you've got a solid relationship, built on mutual respect, how important is it to make the other person happy??
     
  2. SimpleSimon

    SimpleSimon Hall Of Fame

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    First thought that crossed my mind was that happiness IS "a solid relationship, built on mutual respect".

    Second thought was triggered by cat claws in my arm telling me that my purpose on this planet is to make Meatball and Muddy happy. ;)
     
  3. Halfsek

    Halfsek Hall Of Fame

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    I think most of this depends on timing.
    For example, as you asked this right now, I had to answer for hoping the door...
     
  4. cdru

    cdru Hall Of Fame

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    I'd also say it depends on what we are talking about. Some things we become equal, some things she gets more, sometimes I get more.

    My wife is a Longaberer Basket Consultant. When she first started, she needed to purchase a starter kit. Since I'm the only breadwinner in the family, my monetary contribution is greater then hers obviously, so I said that was fine so that she could fell more like she was an equal. It made her happy, but I was out of the $285 of discretionary spending that I could have used. I had no problem though really.

    Now, every month there is some new $100 basket that she HAS to have. I occasionally let her get one, so now she is happy but has more then me (figuratively speaking).

    But on at least one other topic, I have always held my ground and always said no. We have 3 boys, ages 4, 3, and 2, all of which were more or less "accidents", or at least unplanned. When we found out the youngest was going to be a boy, she was devastated. She so wanted a girl to do girl things with. 3 boys were already stretching the family finances and adding a 4th child wasn't an option in my opinion, but it was in hers. To make a long story, I "won" and had a little surgery. I guess you could say that I drew the line, even if it cost her. To this day I know I made the right decision, but she still isn't happy with it. You have no idea how many commercials bring up the topic...
     
  5. Selenna

    Selenna Fair Lady of the forums DBSTalk Gold Club

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    Jun 18, 2004
    In my experience, the best relationship is when each partner is (just a bit) more concerned about seeing the other person happy than making themself happy. So I voted for #2. But that means that sometimes I'm going to get a bit more (when I really need/want it) and sometimes he is. When it becomes imbalanced and only one person is ever trying to keep the other's happiness in sight, then you have a problem and more than likely resentment is going to build and you'll end up at that last choice.
     
  6. JM Anthony

    JM Anthony Child of the 60's DBSTalk Gold Club

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    Well reasoned, Selenna. I really like your point about getting the little something extra for something that's important to you. If everything is a must have, imbalance and some level of resentment is almost certain to happen.

    My wife and I were recently headed toward the resentment side of the equation. She's really gotten into motorcycles and has traded up to a new bike at least once (some sometimes twice) a year for the past 3 years. She saw no problem with her getting the latest Harley toys, but wanted to put the clamp down on spending when it came to upgrades I wanted to make to our home theater set up. I didn't make things a whole lot better (boys will be boys) but not talking with her about the problem this was creating for me. I just basically said the heck with it and bought what I wanted to despite her occasional yelps. One day we finally talked about it and she wound up understanding where I was coming from.
     
  7. JM Anthony

    JM Anthony Child of the 60's DBSTalk Gold Club

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    While I can understand why your wife might be upset (we have 2 girls and for a short while I was interested in having a 3rd child in hopes of a boy, but that faded after about 48 hours!!), I totally agree with your decision. As your boys grow up, I suspect your wife will be pleasantly surprised at how many things she finds that become special activities just between mom and the boys. I know I have with my daughters.
     
  8. cdru

    cdru Hall Of Fame

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    It's not likely though that any of my boys will want to get dressed up in Easter dresses or have tea parties with their dolls. I hope she "outgrows" the wants to have a girl. Till death do us part is a long time to hear about what she wanted.
     
  9. JM Anthony

    JM Anthony Child of the 60's DBSTalk Gold Club

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    Hell, I don't play tackle football with my girls either, but staying active in their school activities and church programs has kept us pretty busy over the years!

    My daughters and I got involved in a program called "Indian Princesses" through our local YMCA. It's supposed to run from K-3rd grade by my oldest (now 18) daughter and I are still going strong with a few of the other original dads and daughters. With the girls graduating from high school, this will be our last year together and I'll really miss the good times we've had over the years.

    If you have three healthy kids, tell you wife to get a clue and be thankful for what she's got.
     
  10. DonLandis

    DonLandis Hall Of Fame

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    If BOTH of you want a girl, the answer is adoption. But remain status quo if that is just a one sided desire. Your wife will never get over the want of a daughter but may develop the maturity to suppress the desire with the knowledge that it just ain't gonna happen just the same as if she wanted to rule the world ain't gonna happen. Your clock was fixed but hers will soon be ticking away as well. If you decide to join her in the "daughter" wish, strongly consider adoption.
    Now for some reality- Daughter's are a lot more expensive than boys. Boys get jobs sooner than girls and become financially independent sooner. Daughters cost the parents one final huge chunk of change when they get married as it has been traditional that the parents of the bride, not the groom pay for everything. Be careful what you wish for.
     
  11. cdru

    cdru Hall Of Fame

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    The question has never been if we BOTH want a girl. I would have loved to be able to have "daddy's little girl". The issue has always been adding a 4th child to the family. I remember growing up when me or my brother would hit a growth spurt. We literally at my parents out of house and home. I dread what it's going to be like in 6 or 7 years when my boys start hitting their growth spurts all at once. It would probably be cheaper to just open our own grocery store to buy things at cost. I don't even want to know what car insurance and college is going to be like.
     
  12. Bogy

    Bogy Hall Of Fame

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    Yep, car insurance is one aspect where girls are far less expensive than boys. We have 2 girls and 1 boy. (Took one last try at it and came up with the boy.) The funny thing is that my wife always had that "special relationship" with the girls (although I always made of point of doing special things just with the two of us.) In the past few years she has been jealous that my son and I have a "special relationship" and that he talks things over with me that he doesn't share with her. Intellectually she acknowledges that she is being petty, but emotionally she is still jealous. :)

    As far as the topic of the thread, I marked #3, although I could have just as easily marked #2. The money we made has always been "ours", never mine or yours. I have made the needs of my wife (and kids) an important part of deciding what churches I would serve. I feel that this is part of deciding God's call, because if the rest of the family, and especially my wife, are miserable, I can't be effective. I left a church because my wife and daughter were being attacked. Certain people couldn't get at me, so they took it out on them. My daughter was beginning to hate the church, and the bitterness still comes out sometimes. As I prepare to move again, my wife and kids have told me to put my own needs and God's call first, and not to worry about them. To a certain extent, I won't do that.

    As far as the toys I want, my wife does her best to see that I get what I want. And I try to see that she gets what she wants.

    OTOH, my sister is married to a guy who sees what he makes as "HIS." She is a stay at home mom right now, with two young children and no real outside job, so she has no money. I mean that literally. He makes almost 200 grand a year, and only gives her enough for the basic household expenses. She must show him the receipts and return any excess money. He gets furious if she spends anything on herself. The divorce papers will be served any day now.
     
  13. ntexasdude

    ntexasdude Hall Of Fame

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    Bogy, I think you need to edit that last paragraph. It sounds like you're talking about yourself.
     
  14. ntexasdude

    ntexasdude Hall Of Fame

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    In response to the thread question, trust me guys, after 18 years of marriage I know that if "mama" isn't happy then "daddy" isn't happy. :D

    If mama and daddy aren't happy then the kids aren't happy. If mama, daddy and the kids aren't happy then the dog isn't happy. Screw the cat, who cares.

    Ya'll catchin' my drift?
     
  15. Bogy

    Bogy Hall Of Fame

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    Thanks, just thinking about the jerk gets me rattled. Its probably a good thing they live a LONG way from me.
     
  16. bavaria72

    bavaria72 I am one too! DBSTalk Gold Club

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    In 20 years of marriage I have decided that it is rarely a 50 - 50 thing. Some days I need 75% and some days she needs 75%. You throw kids into the mix and it becomes even more difficult. But I have found that if either one of us is unhappy for a prolong amount of time then it sucks for everyone.
     
  17. JM Anthony

    JM Anthony Child of the 60's DBSTalk Gold Club

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    Excellent points. After racking up 28 years of married life (with the same person, no less), the only way you succeed is by taking the long view. The tough times in any relationship create a bedrock that help you put those times you're (not your) getting 25% of the deal.
     
  18. ntexasdude

    ntexasdude Hall Of Fame

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    It really is a fifty fifty deal. I worked one out with my wife with the house cleaning and cooking. I told her she could do it for the first fifty years and I'd do it for the next fifty :D :lol: :D
     
  19. bavaria72

    bavaria72 I am one too! DBSTalk Gold Club

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    :lol: Yeah, I told my wife I worked for the first 20, the next 20 were on her. It was a cold, cold night that evening! :D
     
  20. Bogy

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    I tell couples in pre-marital counseling that if they think marriage is a 50/50 proposition, they might as well forget it. I also tell them to forget it if they think they can get by with putting in 100%/100%. It takes way more than that. Of course the only way you can get above giving it your all is to have God in there as well. :)
     
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