1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content. 3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said, "Implants?" 5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast. 6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here. 8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. 12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's. 14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of handgrenades...now THAT'S a message! 15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley. 17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. 18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately! 19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 20. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom. 21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? 22. Welcome to Shit Creek-Sorry, We're Out of Paddles! 23. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?