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Beer Diet

Discussion in 'Laughter Is The Best Medicine' started by poeppe, Jun 18, 2002.

  1. poeppe

    poeppe Legend

    Mar 25, 2002

    FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost
    all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

    FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of
    1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the
    medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me"
    diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women,
    and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

    FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water
    to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent
    workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair),
    fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).

    FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you
    aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any
    problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation,
    counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may
    experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake
    up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly
    additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.

    FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one
    day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly
    want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help
    prevent heart attacks.

    FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The
    only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have
    consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way
    the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until
    you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time,
    the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.

    FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of
    exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to
    build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you
    really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up
    to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme,
    you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone
    who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.

    FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig. Based on these facts,
    let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation.

    CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted
    during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.

    MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food and basically be a slob.

    FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up.
    Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption
    process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).

    SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day,
    feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may
    have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef
    jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely
    no interest in food, anyway.

    SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has
    still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption
    goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you."
    This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than
    1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.

    SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very
    convenient diet during football season, but it can be
    successfully implemented year-round. There is some major
    professional sport being played every day of the year except
    the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game
    (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to
    cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again
    you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the
    Don't forget the aspirin.

    MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and
    surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation
    for the upcoming weekend.

    Happy dieting!!!
  2. Nick

    Nick Retired, part-time PITA DBSTalk Club

    Apr 23, 2002
    MONDAY (Alternate Plan): Call in sick; tell
    boss you may have go see a doctor and
    you hope you can make it in Tuesday, or
    maybe Wednesday.

    Nickster :smoking:
  3. John Corn

    John Corn Hall Of Fame

    Mar 21, 2002
  4. markh

    markh Hall Of Fame

    Mar 24, 2002
    I LIKE IT!!!! I've always said that beer is just liquid bread. :)

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