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Just some thoughts

Discussion in 'Laughter Is The Best Medicine' started by John Corn, Jun 23, 2002.

  1. John Corn

    John Corn Hall Of Fame

    Mar 21, 2002
    1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

    2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol

    3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

    4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I
    said, "Implants?"

    5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

    6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

    7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

    8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a

    10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

    11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them
    get elected.

    12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely
    no trade-in value.

    13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

    14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you
    tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of handgrenades...now THAT'S a message!

    15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
    person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

    16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling

    17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

    18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been
    giving me lately!

    19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

    20. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

    21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

    22. Welcome to Shit Creek-Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

    23. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  2. Nick

    Nick Retired, part-time PITA DBSTalk Club

    Apr 23, 2002
    Aarrgh! You beat me to it. Some of those were my thoughts, John.


    When my former wife once said she didn't feel like having sex, I didn't realize she meant for the rest of our marriage. :bang:

    I once suggested we try doing it "doggie" style. She put a collar and leash on me and fed me Kibble & Bits for a week.

    After a long, exhausting day on the job, I got home and asked her what she had made for dinner. She said "reservations".

    She said we should start seeing other people. I took her to church. Apparently, that's not what she had in mind.

    When I asked why the dishes were piling up in the kitchen sink, she said the maid was on vacation. I didn't know we had a maid.

    When they say "marriage is forever" they don't tell you that after a while it just seems that way.

    She said she didn't want an ugly satellite dish on the roof. That's when I filed for divorce.

    The Nickster :smoking:
  3. John Corn

    John Corn Hall Of Fame

    Mar 21, 2002
  4. Adam Richey

    Adam Richey Hall Of Fame

    Mar 25, 2002
    Kokomo, IN
    That's probably the way I'm gonna be. My house might even look like a huge uplink center. LOL

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