Mental Health Hotline Answering Service Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...... If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive,it doesn't matter which number you press,no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder,please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia disorder, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If You have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000. If you have bi-polar disorder ,please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short -term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.All operators are to busy to talk to you. "If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan,lie down and cry.You want be crazy forever. If you are blond don't press any buttons ,you'll just mess it up.