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Rules For Dating My Daughter

Discussion in 'The OT' started by Nick, Dec 23, 2007.

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  1. Nick

    Nick Retired, part-time PITA DBSTalk Club

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    Rules For Dating My Daughter

    Rule One:

    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because
    you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:

    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do
    not try to peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my
    daughter's body, I will remove them for you.

    Rule Three:

    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers
    so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
    but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded
    about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your under-
    wear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to
    ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my
    daughter, I will take my pneumatic nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.

    Rule Four:

    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, having intercourse without utilizing a
    "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex,
    I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:

    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk
    about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only
    information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter
    safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

    Rule Six:

    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.
    This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have
    gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished
    with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:

    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than
    an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie you
    should not be dating females. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that
    can take longer than painting a two-story house. Instead of just standing there, why
    don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:

    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where
    there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is
    darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where
    the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
    tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
    parka - zipped up to her neck. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to
    be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
    Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:

    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
    has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god
    of your little universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one
    chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun,
    a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

    Rule Ten:

    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in
    the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent
    Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as
    I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you
    should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password and
    announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,
    then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged
    face at the window will be mine...

    __________________
     
  2. davring

    davring Hall Of Fame

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    Nice Nick, very funny. It didn't work with my two girls, they are both happily married and raising my grand kids:) Happy Holidays.
     
  3. Nick

    Nick Retired, part-time PITA DBSTalk Club

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    My son, a federal special agent who has two daughters, beautiful 16 & 17 year-olds, replies:

    "Dad, those are excellent on all counts. I have added one criteria of my own, and
    fortunately (or not) both of the girls' boyfriends have passed. I take them on a little
    hike up one of Colorado's 14,000 foot peaks to see if they have the genes
    necessary to carry on the (family) tradition, if not the name."
     

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  4. Ray_Clum

    Ray_Clum Hall Of Fame

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    I still like Bill Engvall's statement on dating his daughter:

    "I put my arm around the young man. And say, 'Boy, that is my daughter, my baby. She means more to me than life itself. Just remember one thing, I don't have a problem going back to prison.'"

    Just about spewed my drink when I heard that one...
     
  5. smiddy

    smiddy Tain't ogre til its ogre

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    Nick, out of curiosity, if you have a daughter(s), how old is(are) she(they)? I just want to make sure that I won't ever have to live up to your rules, as it were. ;) :lol:
     
  6. Nick

    Nick Retired, part-time PITA DBSTalk Club

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    One, forty-something and very married, as are you!
     
  7. ProfLonghair

    ProfLonghair Hall Of Fame

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    I need to get around to getting a shotgun. My daughter is only 2, but it takes a while to get the right gleam from use.

    And, land? I own land in all parts of the city. By the time they check it all, his parents will have forgotten his name. Maybe renting to crackheads/dealers has some advantages after all....
     
  8. EVAC41

    EVAC41 Legend

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    Jun 27, 2006
    that was really :lol: :lol:

    Thanks...
     
  9. smiddy

    smiddy Tain't ogre til its ogre

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    Yep, but I have a Smiddlett who may be looking soon...he's 4, but with today's interesting things, you never know. :lol:
     
  10. Smuuth

    Smuuth Well-Known Member

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    One of my daughters once asked me why I growled and frowned when she introduced her date to me -
    I replied "Because I was once a teenage boy and I know exactly what he is thinking." :)
     
  11. scottjf8

    scottjf8 Godfather

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    Ugh, thanks for reminding me what I'll be in store for when my 2 daughters (currently 3 y/o and 3 months) are older :)
     
  12. smiddy

    smiddy Tain't ogre til its ogre

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    I have a 5 month old too...so I suppose I should at least heed some of these items too.
     
  13. Nick

    Nick Retired, part-time PITA DBSTalk Club

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    My federal son says just the action of his pump shotgun is sufficient
    to scare off the dumbest burglar or the horniest teenage boy.
     
  14. veryoldschool

    veryoldschool Lifetime Achiever Staff Member Super Moderator DBSTalk Club

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    Hearing someone chambering a round in a 12 gauge usually get my attention too.
     
  15. James Long

    James Long Ready for Uplink! Staff Member Super Moderator DBSTalk Club

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    Now that my father-in-law's daughters have been married for 10+ years it is fun to hear about his experience "pressing bugs" with their mother. Not that he talks about it, but when the rest of the family gets together one hears things. :)

    Fathers were boys ... perhaps those with the biggest shotgun could have used the influence of a big shotgun when they were dating. :D
     
  16. smiddy

    smiddy Tain't ogre til its ogre

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    Do you think chambering a round in a 9 mm will have the same effect?
     
  17. veryoldschool

    veryoldschool Lifetime Achiever Staff Member Super Moderator DBSTalk Club

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    Only if you do it in a very quiet room.
     
  18. ProfLonghair

    ProfLonghair Hall Of Fame

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    No offense, but it's a touch ghetto/gangsta. Protecting the girls is mroe country/old-school, like a rifle or shotgun. It's all about image or mind games. I can't picture someone chasing the Roman Hands boyfriend thru the woods with a GLock, but I sure can picture it with some buckshot. Shotgun = "5 acres and a shovle" like from above, 9mm = drinkin foties.

    I don't own a shotgun, and have had fun at the range with a 9mm, so I'm not hating on anyone here. But, at the same time, it is what it is.
     
  19. smiddy

    smiddy Tain't ogre til its ogre

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    Thinking about it you have a valid point or stigma I never considered. I am a city boy though, but if I has a 0.50 cal revolver, the only real sound it makes is the click of the trigger coming back and then the boom of the round going off. Pulling back the chamber on a 9 mm does have a nice sound to it...and I've never used a shotgun. Mrs. Smiddy though on the other hand has won awards due to her shooting abilities and she is a country girl (I think I mentioned this before, the deer antlers in our house are her's; nice rack!) and has use a shotgun or two. :D
     
  20. Kevin Dupuy

    Kevin Dupuy Godfather

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    Just checking the location for each of you... to make sure I don't come near your houses:D
     
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