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Southern Tourism Bureau

Discussion in 'Laughter Is The Best Medicine' started by John Corn, Mar 22, 2003.

  1. John Corn

    John Corn Hall Of Fame

    Mar 21, 2002
    Fifteen Ways to Avoid a Good Southern Ass Whuppin. Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:

    1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day.Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

    2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther,Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

    3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's patottie whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

    4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

    5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

    6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

    7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

    Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

    9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

    10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

    11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

    12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

    13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

    14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

    15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot( right after its kicked ) You're lucky we let you come downhere at all. Critsize our barbecue and you will go home in apine box.... minus your ass!
  2. Unthinkable

    Unthinkable Guest

    Sep 13, 2002
  3. gcutler

    gcutler Hall Of Fame

    Mar 23, 2002
    I have personally violated items #3, 6, 7, 8, 13 & 15. But I got off with a warning. I think because due to speech therapy my Brooklyn Accent sounds more like a Boston Accent. Otherwise I would have gotten a whoopin!
  4. TNGTony

    TNGTony Hall Of Fame

    Mar 23, 2002
    Well, it depends on WHERE in the south you are. In North Carolina "Coke" is akin to a four letter foul language word and you'll get your ass kicked. It's a Pepsi. Doesn't matter if it's Dew, 7-up, dr. pepper, RC. It's a Pepsi. And forget about anyone having Coke. If you insist on a Coke, you;ll get your ass kicked. :)

    See ya
  5. gcutler

    gcutler Hall Of Fame

    Mar 23, 2002
    Anyone who visits Atlanta's 'World Of Coca-Cola", quickly has an immediate desire for a Pepsi (or at least the desire to not see anything coke related). I think after visiting there, I didn't drink a Coke for 6 months :D
  6. George_F

    George_F Legend

    Dec 25, 2002
    :lol:....good one!
  7. Cyclone

    Cyclone Hall Of Fame/Supporter DBSTalk Gold Club

    Jul 1, 2002
    I wish Maryland was farther south.

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