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Discussion in 'Laughter Is The Best Medicine' started by John Corn, Sep 10, 2002.

  1. John Corn

    John Corn Hall Of Fame

    Mar 21, 2002
    1. Only in America......can a pizza get to
    your house faster than an ambulance.

    2. Only in America......are there
    handicap parking places in front of a
    skating rink.

    3. Only in America......do drugstores
    make the sick walk all the way to the
    back of the store to get their
    prescriptions while healthy people can buy
    cigarettes at the front.

    4. Only in America......do people order
    double cheeseburgers, large fries,
    and a diet coke.

    5. Only in America......do banks leave
    both doors open and then chain the
    pens to the counters.

    6. Only in America......do we leave cars
    worth thousands of dollars in the
    driveway and put our useless junk in the

    7. Only in America......do we use
    answering machines to screen calls and
    then have call waiting so we won't miss a
    call from someone we didn't want
    to talk to in the first place.

    8. Only in America......do we buy hot
    dogs in packages of ten and buns in
    packages of eight.

    9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
    'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

    10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


    Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

    Why women can't put on mascara with their
    mouth closed?

    Why don't you ever see the headline
    "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

    Why is "abbreviated" such a
    long word?

    Why is it that doctors call what they do

    Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you
    have to click on "Start"?

    Why is lemon juice made with artificial
    flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
    with real lemons?

    Why is the man who invests all your money
    called a broker?

    Why is the time of day with the slowest
    traffic called rush hour?

    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

    When dog food is new and improved
    tasting, who tests it?

    Why didn't Noah swat those two

    Why do they sterilize the needle for
    lethal injections?

    You know that indestructible black box
    that is used on airplanes? Why don't
    they make the whole plane out of that

    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

    Why are they called apartments when they
    are all stuck together?

    If con is the opposite of pro, is
    Congress the opposite of progress?

    If flying is so safe, why do they call
    the airport the terminal?

    In case you needed further proof that the
    human race is doomed through stupidity,
    here are some actual label instructions
    on consumer goods.

    On a hairdryer: Do not use while
    sleeping. ( and that's the only time
    I have to work on my hair).

    On a bag of Fritos: .You could be a
    winner! No purchase necessary.Details
    inside. (the shoplifter special)?

    On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions:
    Use like regular soap." (and that would
    be how???....)

    On some Swanson frozen dinners:
    "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
    "just" a suggestion).

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on
    bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
    (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

    On Marks & Spencer Bread
    Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating."
    (...and you thought????...)

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do
    not iron clothes on body." (but
    wouldn't this save me more time)?

    On Boot's Children Cough
    Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just
    get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

    On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May
    cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

    On most brands of Christmas lights:
    "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as
    opposed to...what)?

    On a Japanese food processor: "Not
    to be used for the other use." (now,
    somebody out there, help me on this. I'm
    a bit curious.)

    On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
    (talk about a news flash)

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    "Instructions: Open packet, eat
    nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

    On a child's superman costume:
    "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company.
    I blame the parents for this one.)
  2. Steve Mehs

    Steve Mehs Hall Of Fame

    Mar 21, 2002
    You have no idea how much I get pissed off when I see people who do that.

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