Answering Machine at Mental Health Hospital
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......" If you are
obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy
to talk to you."
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You
won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up..