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Martha Stewart's Tips for ********
******* translation follows
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of
finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom
wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the
latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back a six pack of beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT 1. When decantin' likker, make sho'nuff thet yo' tilt th' paper cup, an' pour slowly so as not t'"bruise" th' fruit of th' vine. 2. Eff'n six packin' direckly fum th' bottle, allus hold it witcher fingers covahin' th' label, ah reckon.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece fo' th' table sh'd nevah be ennythin' prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not aller th' houn'dog t'eat at th' table...no matter how fine his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need t'be cleaned regularly, this hyar is a job thet sh'd be done in private usin' one's OWN truck keys. 2. Right use of toiletries kin fo'estall bathin' fo' sevahal days. Howevah, eff'n yo' live alone, deodo'ant is a waste of fine money. 3. Dirt an' grease unner th' fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend t'detrack fum a woomin's jewelry an' alter th' taste of finger grubs.
DATING (Outside th' Fambly) 1. Allus offer t'bait yer date's hook, especially on th' fust date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her knows yer interested: "I've been wantin' t'go out wif yo' on account o' ah read thet stuff on th' bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish wif her parents whut time she is specked back. Shet mah mouth! Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." Eff'n the latter is th' answer, it is th' man's responsibility t'git her t'skoo on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Cryin' babies sh'd be taken t'th' lobby an' picked up eemeejutly af'er th' movie has inded, cuss it all t' tarnation. 2. Refrain fum talkin' t'chareeckers on th' screen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Tests haf proven they kin't hear yo'.
WEDDINGS 1. Livestock usually is a pore choice fo' a weddin' gif'. 2. Kissin' th' bride fo' mo'e than 5 seconds may git yo' shot. 3. Fo' th' groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure sueyt wif a cummerbund an' a clean bowlin' shirt kin create a tacky appeareence. 4. Though uncomfy, say "yes" t'socks an' shoes fo' this hyar special occashun.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim yer haidlights fo' approachin' vehicles; Even eff'n th' gun is loaded, an' th' deer is in sight. 2. When approachin' a four-way stop, th' vehicle wif th' largess tires allus has th' right of way. 3. Nevah tow t'other car usin' panty hose an' duck tape. 4. When sendin' yer wife down th' road wif a gas kin, it is impolite t'ax her t'brin' back a six pack of beer. 5. Nevah relieve yo'seff fum a movin' vehicle, especially when drivin'. 6. Do not lay rubber while travelin' in a funeral processhun.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS 1. Nevah take a beer t'a job interview. 2. Allus identify varmints in yer yard befo'e shootin' at them, dawgone it. 3. It's cornsidered tacky t'take a right fineer t'church. 4. Eff'n yo' hafta vacuum th' bed, it is time t'change th' sheets. 5. Even eff'n yer sartin thet yer included in th' will, it is still cornsidered tacky t'drive a U-Haul t'th' funeral home.
******* translation follows
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of
finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom
wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the
latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back a six pack of beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT 1. When decantin' likker, make sho'nuff thet yo' tilt th' paper cup, an' pour slowly so as not t'"bruise" th' fruit of th' vine. 2. Eff'n six packin' direckly fum th' bottle, allus hold it witcher fingers covahin' th' label, ah reckon.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece fo' th' table sh'd nevah be ennythin' prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not aller th' houn'dog t'eat at th' table...no matter how fine his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need t'be cleaned regularly, this hyar is a job thet sh'd be done in private usin' one's OWN truck keys. 2. Right use of toiletries kin fo'estall bathin' fo' sevahal days. Howevah, eff'n yo' live alone, deodo'ant is a waste of fine money. 3. Dirt an' grease unner th' fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend t'detrack fum a woomin's jewelry an' alter th' taste of finger grubs.
DATING (Outside th' Fambly) 1. Allus offer t'bait yer date's hook, especially on th' fust date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her knows yer interested: "I've been wantin' t'go out wif yo' on account o' ah read thet stuff on th' bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish wif her parents whut time she is specked back. Shet mah mouth! Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." Eff'n the latter is th' answer, it is th' man's responsibility t'git her t'skoo on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Cryin' babies sh'd be taken t'th' lobby an' picked up eemeejutly af'er th' movie has inded, cuss it all t' tarnation. 2. Refrain fum talkin' t'chareeckers on th' screen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Tests haf proven they kin't hear yo'.
WEDDINGS 1. Livestock usually is a pore choice fo' a weddin' gif'. 2. Kissin' th' bride fo' mo'e than 5 seconds may git yo' shot. 3. Fo' th' groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure sueyt wif a cummerbund an' a clean bowlin' shirt kin create a tacky appeareence. 4. Though uncomfy, say "yes" t'socks an' shoes fo' this hyar special occashun.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim yer haidlights fo' approachin' vehicles; Even eff'n th' gun is loaded, an' th' deer is in sight. 2. When approachin' a four-way stop, th' vehicle wif th' largess tires allus has th' right of way. 3. Nevah tow t'other car usin' panty hose an' duck tape. 4. When sendin' yer wife down th' road wif a gas kin, it is impolite t'ax her t'brin' back a six pack of beer. 5. Nevah relieve yo'seff fum a movin' vehicle, especially when drivin'. 6. Do not lay rubber while travelin' in a funeral processhun.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS 1. Nevah take a beer t'a job interview. 2. Allus identify varmints in yer yard befo'e shootin' at them, dawgone it. 3. It's cornsidered tacky t'take a right fineer t'church. 4. Eff'n yo' hafta vacuum th' bed, it is time t'change th' sheets. 5. Even eff'n yer sartin thet yer included in th' will, it is still cornsidered tacky t'drive a U-Haul t'th' funeral home.
