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* Learn to work the toilet seat. If it is up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us *****ing about you leaving it down.

* ALL men see is 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

* If you won't dress just like the Victoria Secret's girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

* If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us, we refuse to answer.

* Don't cut your hair. EVER! Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting marries is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you are stuck with her.

* Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, yet again!

* If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect to hear an answer you don't want to hear.

* Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

* Don't ask us what we are thinking about, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

* Sunday = Sports. It is like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

* Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

* When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. Anything.

* You have enough clothes.

* You have too may shoes.

* Crying is blackmail.

* Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!!!!!!

* No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark Anniversaries on the calendar, please.

* Peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.

* Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think that we would be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

* Yes, and No, are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

* Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

* A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

* Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it is a Bruce Lee or some war flick where it does not really matter what the **** they are saying anyway.

* Check your oil!

* It is neither in your best interest, nor in ours, to take the quiz together. No, it does not matter which quiz.

* Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

* If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

* Let us ogle. We are going to do it anyway. It's genetic.

* You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.

* If it itches, it will be scratched.

* Beer is exciting for us as handbags are for you.

* If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. That's OK. Did you know that we really don't mind that? It's like camping
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