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· Hall Of Fame
21,334 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·

Associated Press Wire
Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border
San Antonio, Texas -

Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs
of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the
Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing
the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.

They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the
revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "
Right in front of my daughters."

Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted
last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of
the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late
this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to
960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.

This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its
underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California
for $4.5 billion.

Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were
noticeably frustrated.

First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind
their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean
Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they
refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."


The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common
executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one
of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol
spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."

Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan
the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just
hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but
occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on

Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer
Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph
Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global
Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of
Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha
Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a
barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. She would
have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food
coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut
pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing.
"We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to
the stucco walls."

While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico,
Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo.
" No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said. They're
rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a

· Charter Gold Club Member
22,099 Posts
"They're rotating all the tires on the minivans
and accounting for each change as a sale."

Funny :D

I've copy/pasted the AP article into my
bank account, increasing my net worth
substantially. Those CEOnistas have
nothing on me. :lol:

Nickster :cool:
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