!s the news making you sick?

You Gotta be Sick to Watch This!

By Paul Greeley

Watching the network evening news has gotten sickening. It's not Katie or Brian or Charlie or even the news coverage itself that's causing the discomfort--it's the commercials that air during the news that are making me wince.

If someone from another country or another planet's only impression of Americans came from the commercials played during the network evening news, they'd think we were an extremely unhealthy bunch. We're either always in the bathroom or we can't go. Our bones are getting soft and our stools are too hard. Our eyes are always dry and our noses always run. We can't breathe without an inhaler, can't control our cholesterol without a pill. We need a gel to desensitize our teeth, if we're lucky enough to have our own, or stronger glue to keep our fake teeth from falling out. We can't sleep so we take pills to help us nod off, and to relieve the stress we all seem to suffer from, we need special beds that promise 'nighttime renewal' which is, I suppose, w ay better than a mere goodnight's sleep.

And if all this gives you heartburn, there's a pill for that in a new mint flavor. ...

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