1. Only in America......can a pizza get to
your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there
handicap parking places in front of a
3. Only in America......do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the
7. Only in America......do we use
answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a
call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their
Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a
Why is it that doctors call what they do
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you
have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved
tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two
Why do they sterilize the needle for
You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they
are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the
human race is doomed through stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions
on consumer goods.
On a hairdryer: Do not use while
sleeping. ( and that's the only time
I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: .You could be a
winner! No purchase necessary.Details
inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions:
Use like regular soap." (and that would
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
"just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on
bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread
Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do
not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough
Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just
get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May
cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as
On a Japanese food processor: "Not
to be used for the other use." (now,
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm
a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company.
I blame the parents for this one.)