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· Hall Of Fame
21,334 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
** I used to eat a lot of natural foods, until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
** Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
** The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
** Never take life seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway.
** There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
** Life is sexually transmitted.
** Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
** The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
** Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
** Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
** Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
** Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
** All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
** In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
** How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
** Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly thingies here, and drink whatever comes out?: Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
** Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
** Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
** If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
** If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
** Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
** Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
** Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
** Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
** Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

· Charter Gold Club Member
22,099 Posts
What John said.

"The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth" ...and the length.

A rut is just a grave with the ends kicked out.

· Hall Of Fame
21,334 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
JM Anthony said:
Sorry about the (mis)spelling, but the dude's name is Gallegher. Love his routines.

"Gallegher" and his hammer are appearing in Ft. Pierce in the next week or so. I could dig out the newspaper to correct the spelling, but I'm too lazy. :D

· Hall Of Fame
1,891 Posts
Why do drive up ATMs have Braille pads?

· AllStar
57 Posts
He was in big trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife
was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds." The next morning,
his wife woke up, looked out the window and saw a small box gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe, went out
to the driveway, and brought the box in the house. She opened it and
found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for him have been scheduled for Friday.
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